Thursday, September 22, 2016

Protection and Intention

I have been amazed at quite a few things the past few weeks with one of the biggest realizations being that God has been, and will continue to be, protecting me. 

He is not protecting me from pain or grief--quite the opposite actually. But he is protecting and keeping my heart. The Lord has granted me an incredible support system, and I have been continually lifted up by some dear friends and family. I am amazed with the community I have--not taking it for granted for one second because I know it is quite a rarity these days.

And although the Lord has a hold of my heart and spirit, I am feeling a constant pull. It has been more difficult for me to regulate my emotions the past few days due to this constant battle to hope and trust in the Lord, knowing that He is sovereign and good, while also negating the fear. Fear of cancer, fear of dying (there's more to the story if you know me well), and fear of not having another baby. Irrational fears, I know.

In my head I know that all things will work out for good, and when we look back on this part of our journey we will be immensely grateful for it and how the Lord guided us through it. I trust that someday it will make sense. But right now, in the middle of the mess, I am torn moment by moment. The enemy is trying to extinguish my hope and fill me with anxiety. At times I've let that worry consume me. I've been overwhelmed and overtaken by the unknown more times than I'd like to admit. 

But then the Lord quietly whispers truth or brings clarity through people again and again. He is holding me close when someone checks in, provides insight, offers encouragement or just listens to my high and low ramblings. (And boy, they are high and low as my blog posts often tend to show). And I have been able to laugh about our circumstances. Sometimes I chuckle, "Is this real life?" Corey's strengths have been exactly what I need right now.

And I'm so tired. Emotionally and psychically spent. But I've been able to function well at work, and it has been a positive distraction for me. (I laughed with Corey in the ER as I realized I can empathize with my students so much better now. Utilizing coping skills are hard work!) Being able to do my job right now is another example of the Lord protecting and providing for me. He is giving me a strength that I wholly could not have mustered on my own. Even if I don't feel peace every moment, He is providing endurance.  

Right now, although being constantly tempted to, I cannot afford to worry. I'm desperately hanging on to what I know to be right and true and good. I earnestly want to remain faithful to God during this season as He has been (and always will be) faithful to me. Even if it is the most difficult journey we've been on thus far. 

I am remembering that I have the choice to let the fear consume me or choose gratitude and to live with intention. To be thankful for our sweet little family and this extra time we have together. To enjoy this upcoming fall (the best season) and holiday time. To be so intentional with my words, focus and purpose.

I pray that I would allow my heart, not just my mind, to continually remember that God has already won the battle. He's already conquered my fears. He is good, He is in control, and He can be trusted...even with the news of a partial molar pregnancy. 

I'm praying that God would "restore to me the joy of His salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit." (Psalm 51:12). I mean, it's tattooed on my body for a reason. And that I truly would have joy for others (pregnant or not) because everyone has a story worth hearing.

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PS Again, I must say it feels awkward to share these posts (aka my constant self-talk and processing) on social media, but writing out our journey has been nurturing to my soul. I have also been feeling a nudge to share so that someone else may be encouraged that they are not alone. And ultimately, that God's will is better than we can ever imagine.

The first post about the miscarriage can be found here. The one following it, can be found here.

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