Saturday, September 17, 2016

Surrender

Surrender

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting because you will not win or succeed
: to give the control to someone else
: to allow something to influence you

I recently shared about our miscarriage in this post, and since then we've had some turn of events. We found out we had a partial molar pregnancy, I had a trip to the ER, and I had another D&C. This has added more questions, processing and surrendering. 

In theory, surrendering should be comfortable. I am committing all my worries, my entire life even, to a God who is described as a good father, just, merciful, faithful, everywhere, gracious, all-powerful, loving, sovereign, faithful, all-knowing. When my heart believes those things, then surrendering is comforting. But sometimes it's scary. I want control, and I want to plan (it's my gift after all). 

When I first heard about the partial molar pregnancy, I was really struggling. I felt like I was grieving the miscarriage well, adjusting to new expectations, and finally able to surrender control. And then wham. 

But you know what? God is those things I mentioned above. The next morning in my devotions God  gave me Psalm 20 (English Standard Version):

Trust in the Name of the Lord Our God

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
May the name of God of Jacob protect you!
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and give you support from Zion!
May he remember all your offerings
and regard with favor your burnt sacrifices!

May he grant you your heart's desire
and fulfill all your plans!
May we shout for joy over your salvation
and in the name of our God set up our banners!
May the Lord fulfill your petitions!

Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;
he will answer him from his holy heaven
with the saving might of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They collapse and fall,
but we rise and stand upright.

O Lord, save the king!
May he answer us when we call.
It was exactly what I needed to read, and I thanked God through the tears as I shared with him my rawness. I was reminded that God doesn't just notice me, He knows me. He hurts with me. He cares about everything about me. He surrendered and suffered on the cross for me. Sometimes I'm frustrated at how easily I forget that.

And I praise dear friends who continually remind me.

So here we are. Researching and communicating with others in similar situations. I'm constantly vacillating between being realistic so no more surprises occur (ha!) and hopeful. Still grieving, still desperately clinging to truth. Praying that I glorify God through this refining process, hoping that others are encouraged or may hear His voice. 

I started reading Shaun Niequist's book Bittersweet a few years ago, but I was not in the right place in life for it. I recently picked it back up, and this is what she writes in the first essay:

What I know now, though, is that change is one of God’s greatest gifts, and most useful tools.  I’ve learned that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us.  It can show us who we’ve become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways.  I’ve learned that in many cases, change is not a function of life’s cruelty but instead a function of God’s graciousness. 

If you dig in and fight the changes, they will smash you to bits.  They’ll hold you under, drag you across the rough sand, scare and confuse you.  But if you can find it within yourself, in the wildest of seasons, just for a moment, to trust in the goodness of God, who made it all and holds it all together, you’ll find yourself drawn along to a whole new place, and there’s truly nothing sweeter.  Unclench your fists, unlock your knees and also the door to your heart, take a deep breath, and let God do his work in you.

I think learning to surrender, even when I am scared, confused or want to fight back, will 
 be a constant theme for my life. This journey, although devastating and overwhelming right now, is a blessing to help me learn that. And patience. (I really need help with patience). And through it all, I'm going to keep choosing hope. Hope that God will give us another baby someday on his perfect timing. It's hard friends, but I'm choosing it.

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