Monday, September 5, 2016

Thank you, God, for Everything

It feels awkward posting this. But it also healing to share a recent sliver of our story...maybe someone will be encouraged even <3

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Thank you for the world so sweet
Thank you for the food we eat
Thank you for the birds that sing
Thank you, God, for everything

These are the beginning of the prayers we say with Will every night at bedtime. I began crying as I recited the last few words because I was thanking God for the missed miscarriage I found out about earlier that day. Thank you for everything. We proceeded to pray for bulldozers and air conditioning units per Will's request. 

When the ultrasound began, I knew right away. I didn't feel angry or guilty. I wasn't surprised even.The intense nausea had dissipated all too quickly. I felt disappointed and sad. 

A very deep, accepting sadness. 

The baby had stopped growing at 8.5 weeks, and we received the news when I was supposed to be 11 weeks along. It was supposed to be a March baby. A long maternity leave, and a completion of our family. Instead, a procedure was done the following week.

Gratefully, we have been covered in prayer and God has provided comfort with the tears and sorrow. I haven't doubted His goodness. I haven't felt envy of others. I've soaked in the grief and reality of the situation. I didn't fear the initial next steps, but my heart is cautious about our future...knowing that we are not entitled to another healthy baby. Yet, there is nothing to do but trust Him and put one foot in front of the other.

Will has been an exhausting, yet encouraging and sweet, distraction.  

 It is a gift that God would allow me to experience a miscarriage in this way I guess...providing peace the moment we found out we were pregnant early this summer. Acknowledging that this baby is God's baby from the start. Allowing us to again recognize how deeply blessed we are to have Will.

But some moments are just really hard.

A phrase our pastor mentioned months ago has been on repeat in my heart and mind, "God is good. He is in control. He can be trusted." I truly believed that, and I still do. I can't say I have believed that through other trials in my life, but through this journey it has grounded me. Especially since the sadness has been really difficult, and annoying, to process through thus far.

There is more to the story that I could share over a cup of hot chocolate sometime, but this is what I feel comfortable sharing with the world right now. Surprisingly for me, it has been quite healing to talk openly about it, so if you're curious about something you are more than welcome to ask in person.

Ultimately, there's no way we could have endured the news, and continue to do so, in our own strength. "I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me. My flesh my fail but, my God, You never will."

And our story definitely isn't over yet.

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To the friends and family who have been diligent in praying for us, checking on us with texts/cards/emails, bringing us food/flowers, offering to take Will: our deepest thank you...except that I may have eaten too many cookies. (Never mind, that's not possible). We have been completely overwhelmed and humbled by your support and love. We have been astonished by who God has placed in our life to protect us and build us up--we cherish each one of you. You have been a clear reminder that there is so much to be thankful for among the grief. Again, thank you...our words do not do justice for the gratitude we have in our hearts for you.

To those experiencing loss in any form: you are not alone. I wish my words could take away the pain, but even more so, I hope you feel how fiercely your Heavenly Father loves you. Also know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve as it looks different for everyone and each situation is unique. Grief is weird and tricky. May you feel the freedom to embrace the messy, uncomfortable feelings--they are normal and okay. (This is my constant self-talk).

To those who are pregnant: I am excited for you :) 



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